Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you win again, gameday.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
