you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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