we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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