Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
