is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
