I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
No subtext here. People are naked.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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