I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
