If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
