Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
