Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
