ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
