he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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