I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
