from now on my penis is your penis
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
