I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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