If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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