The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
