I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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