turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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