Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
