I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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