The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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