Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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