I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
