I skipped work to stalk him.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're too hungover to prance.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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