Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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