took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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