There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
