remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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