ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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