i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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