Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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