He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
