you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
