sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
