im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
