her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
