How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
