He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
