I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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