Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
