I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
