I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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