you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
