Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
