Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
