I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
