Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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