I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
