oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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