I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
