I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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