where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
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You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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