I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
