I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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