You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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