Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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